i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
