he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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