Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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