I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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