I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
