im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
