At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
