I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
