the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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