Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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