I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
