Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
