i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
