Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
