there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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