all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize