i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
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Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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