does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
