just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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