He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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