My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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