you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
