I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
