The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
