Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
