whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
