I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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