u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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