Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm like, not good at living.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
