The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she pinky promised me she was 18
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
