Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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