This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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