just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
