My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
And then he peed in my hair
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