I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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