i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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