His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
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lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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