everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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