I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
