honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
