Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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