my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
