Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
