I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
