Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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