They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
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At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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