Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
