cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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