Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
