I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
