i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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