I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
