In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
