I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have demons in me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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