im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
