Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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