I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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