listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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