I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
