dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
